


The Untold Tales of Fire Emblem

by cawmrade, VampireSerana



Series: Quality Shitposts [5]
Category: Fire Emblem Heroes, Fire Emblem: Kakusei | Fire Emblem: Awakening, Fire Emblem: Soen no Kiseki/Akatsuki no Megami | Fire Emblem Path of Radiance/Radiant Dawn, Fire Emblem: The Sacred Stones
Genre: Creepypasta, M/M, Other, choco-cock, don't fuck a sword kids its bad kids, eat ass defense?, magical asses and broken dicks, piss up a rope
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-24
Updated: 2018-05-26
Packaged: 2019-02-06 10:47:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12815892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cawmrade/pseuds/cawmrade, https://archiveofourown.org/users/VampireSerana/pseuds/VampireSerana
Summary: When some people get stressed, they do something productive to cope. We, on the other hand, write NSFW shitfics in google docs.





	1. Dick Orborus

**Author's Note:**

> LOSE ALL HOPE, THEE WHO READ THIS SCRIPTURE

  
  


Inigo walked up to Gerome and looked directly at his big dick, “I want to ride that” he said.

And he did.

He rode geromes big dick.

 

Gerome gasped from the pleasure, “0hh my gogd. Oohym god ur ass is on my dick thats sexy”.

 

“Ikr” inigo started to dance, like a lapdance but theres dick in his ass so its hard (like their dicks).

 

Inigo swung his hips around geromes lap and his dick. His lapdick.

 

It broke.

 

“AAJARURURGHGHGG” gerome screamed in pain but it was also kinda hot because inigo broke his fucking dick with his ass

Inigo had the ass of a god and the strength of one as well

But only his ass was that strong

 

Inigo soon learned that his ass was his strongest muscle, and went to training how to wield a war axe with his ass

 

A waxass, if you will 

 

Soon he mastered the ability to hold an axe between his legendary cheeks, perhaps… even buns of steel.

 

The clenching ability of inigo made all the men in the training hall sweat: for they were kneedeep in self inflicted homophobia and even if they werent if they Tapped That Sweet Ass they would lose thier dicks from either the sheer strentgh of Dat Ass or Gerome, with his strange new dick breaking fetish.

 

Regardless, Inigo still trained and Gerome still collected a freakish amount of torn enemy dicks in a separate tent.

 

One night, Inigo showed up unexpectedly at Gerome’s tent.

 

“Inigo what the fuck are you doing here” Gerome asked while flexing his big ass muscles, which were trained specifically for dick crushing. 

 

“I’m here to show you my new abilities” Inigo said, wiggling his eyebrows and his ass at the same time, causing Gerome to sweat. 

 

Inigo pushed Gerome down gently on the shitty cot they slept on, and proceeded to unbutton his pants and take his dick out of his confines, all with his asshole. Inigo’s ass was another appendage at this point, another opposable thumb, the next in line of homo sapien evolution. 

 

Gerome moaned real fucking loud like an inconsiderate asshole, waking up anyone within 10 yards of their tent. “HOLY FUCK INIGO YOURE SO FUCKING SEXY BABE….” He groaned as Inigo once again, like that night, took Gerome’s still-broken dick in his ass. 

 

All of Inigos training finally accumulated to this, not only could he wield the largest of axes, but the magic training with Robin and Miriel had lead to the compilation of their efforts. 

 

The Magic Rite of Dick Healing.

 

Since dicks are naturally such personal and fragile of appendages, only an ass that had been deemed pure of heart (don’t think about that too hard you might burst a vein) and the strength of SEVERAL!!!! (7)  men, on top of being so plump and luscious that it made everyone crave and envy it, could ever DREAM of ATTEMPTING such rites.

 

Inigo had it. He had the ass to heal, the ass to destroy, and the ass to rebuild. 

 

As Inigo took the broken member into his gaping hole, began the rite. Slowly white light glowed into Geromes’ Lap.

 

“Hoajy lYsHIt what the FUck iniGO!!”” The pleasure of the magical dick-ass dance causing pleasure and pain.

 

“BAbe dw i gots it.” Inigo arched his back and Geromes fully healed cock unloaded a huge cum shot straight into him.

 

“OOOOHHH MYYY GOOODDSSS MY DICK IS HEALED” Gerome shouted in amazement, flexing extremely hard at the sheer excitement of havin a functional dick again. 

 

Inigo winked, his ass stinging with the force of Gerome’s bitch ass dick being healed.

 

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa” one of them yelled. Who knows who it was.

 

It was both. 

 

Gerome licked his lips, never satisfied. “Now break it all over again.” 

 

Inigo’s ass got to work. 

FIN. 


	2. The Sword is Sexy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ikey baby why did u shove a sword up ur ass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ike / ikes sword fan fic boy x sword dont like dont read

Ikes sword is hard, stiff as metal because it’s made of fucking metal. 

“Babe…” He whispers in awe, taking the weapon in his hands. “You’re so...cold…”   
“I’m a sword” the sword replied. That’s all it ever said. It only said the words “I’m a sword.” Sometime it would stutter. Sometimes it would cut itself off. Sometimes it would repeat the same syllable with rapid pace. “I’m a sw-sw-sw-sw-sw-sw-sw-swor-rdrdrdrdrd.” But nonetheless, this is the only variation of any phrase Ike’s beloved sword would ever repeat. 

Sometimes Ike wonders if he was cursed, or if his love was cursed. He wondered if someone, maybe a group the Griel Mercenaries attacked the wrong hold, took the wrong job, and it caused an angry dark mage to cast such a horrible, heartless, stone cold curse on him and his love. 

Ike, with tears in the corner of his eyes, brought the cold steel to his sweet lips, and placed a gentle kiss upon the handle that he held in his grip so often, daily. It’s like the sword was made for him. However, when he kissed the handle, he heard something strange. Something that made his eyes widen, and his jaw hang agape, his dick harden.

He heard a moan. 

Ike leaned in and kissed the handle again, and heard another moan. He gently caressed the blade, and he felt it vibrate. 

He promptly rid himself of his trousers, and shoved the vibrating sword blade directly into his tight, pink asshole. 

He groaned, loudly. He came beautifully, spurting cum all over his stomach and his sword. Then he bled to death from the wounds in his anus. 

FIN.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you gay? No. Are you straight? No. What are you? Im swordsexual, sexually attracted to swords and swords only. - Ike, probally


	3. GIAUS GETS HIS DICK EATEN BC HES A SNACC

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey can his cum taste like sweets didnt we talk about this before. I think we did. His cum tastes like salted caramels i think  
> YA IT DOES

It was a normal day in the barracks, a tad empty at this type of day. When Gaius entered the room, the only one there was good old Blue. He was sitting by the window, and was pulling an orange out of the pocket of his weird one piece jumper thing.

 

‘Fruit is so fucking nasty.’ Gaius sauntered over to the table across from Blue, and popped a cherry pop in his mouth. However, something was off with this scene, because you see, Chrom wasn’t preparing for the mess that was peeling an orange.

 

No, he was raising the orange to his mouth, peel and all.

 

As the exalts teeth slowly penetrates the peel of the orange, the weight of gaius balls increases, until he could bear it no longer, his cock increasingly significantly in size as chrom’s long, hard teeth continued their assault on the orange, including the peel. The lollipop in his pants was straining against their confines, begging for sweet, sweet friction. 

 

"BLUE," the thief ripped his pants off, candy and precum spraying everywhere, "TAKE ME….” he let loose a sensual growl, “now."

 

Chrom, startled and fearful from Gaius’s sudden outrage, fucking took Falchion and stuck it right between the thief’s hard, erect nipples. 

 

“Shit oops lol :3c” said chrom. 

 

Lissa suddenly appeared, reviving Gaius before he could be dead for too long by reloading the save file. 

 

[insert FE title screen and load save noises]

 

“Don’t forget to take breaks!” Anna said in the touch screen. It’s been 14 hours. No breaks were taken. 

 

"BLUE," the thief ripped his pants off, candy and precum spraying everywhere, "TAKE ME….” he let loose a sensual growl, “now."

 

This time, Chrom was prepared, NOT shoving Falchion through Gay-ass’ chest. 

 

This time, Chromathan was prepared to give him what he wanted. 

 

“My my my…” chrome purred, running his snakey ass hands up his thighs. 

 

“What a naughty boy u r” he hissed into the gingers’ ear. Candy was falling from his smallclothes, cum leaking from his cock. “Methinks that I’ll have to punish you” Blue ripped off his small clothes, revealing the thiefs large and hefty dick. 

 

“Uuuuugu don’t bite down on my wittle cocky” gaius purred “my wittle caramel cocky”

 

“Im gonna bite you on ur wittle cocklet” chrom growled , before engulfing the entire candy cock into his mouth and throat. He choked really bad. 

 

Gaius snickered (get it like the chocolate bar) as the prince was unable to take his impressive length into his royal cavity. He attempted to deep throat the whole thing, but he was a fucking incel and never deep throated anything before. Luckly, Gaius was really into the poor fellato, and kept bucking into his mouth. When Chrom finally stopped to breathe…

 

Gaius’ lollipop was about to POP.

 

He grabbed some of Winnie The Pooh’s Pussy Poppin Pasta out of his bag of tricks, and began to spread it over Chrom’s nutsack, it order to make the pussy pop properly. 

 

Chrom groaning LOUDLY. So loud that Robin came running in to see what the trouble was. “Robout.” Was all he said and he robout’d.

 

A/N FROM 2009: Astra made this joke in a serious fic they haven’t posted bc they are a lazyass motherfucker. There was also dick biting. It was great.

 

Gaius in 2009: keep writing the fic asshole *points candy gun to our heads*

 

Astra from 2009: xDDDD no binch1!!!!!1!!!

 

Toge from 2009: O.o o-okay. 

 

(We did not know each other in 2009. Gaius didn’t even exist in 2009.)

 

A/N from 2009 OVER!!!1!!

 

~~~*LE TIME SKIP*~~~

 

A minute passed. Gaius was about to bust this nut. 

 

Chrom’s intuition told him Gaius was about to bust his nut. Chrom took a big ol bite outta Gaius’s dick. Normally, it would hurt like a mothefucker, and only a fucking freak would cum to that. However, luckily, Gaius was not only a freak but his dick was actually a rod of chocolate strategically shaped into a hyper realistic cock and spray painted the same colour as his skin tone. Chrom was none the wiser, he just assumed Gaius’s dick naturally tasted like chocolate. Maybe he took a nice dip in chocolate. A nice chocolate cock dip. Who knows. This is Gaius we are talking about here.

 

Gaius’s choco-cock came, and oh boy did it come. Sprayed all over the walls and chroms face were various truffle fillings: fudge, caramel, strawberry, nuggat, peach,  peaNUT butter, cocoNUT. All the of NUTS. Also there was regular cum in there too, which was semi-sweet.

 

The Exalt was panting, covered in various sugary cum like substances. Gaius was panting too, his choco-cock broken in half and now hallow. 

 

“Wow, I think I legit ate your dick,” Chrom said, starting to lick the inside of the hollowed choco-cock. 

 

“Its fine, I can always hire a chocolatier to make a new dick.” The redhead took a piece of his own fucking choco-cock and ate it.

 

“Sweet.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://genius.com/Nicki-minaj-truffle-butter-lyrics astra wouldnt let me reference these lyrics in the fic


	4. FEH CREEPYPASTA

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> odin is SSSSS++++ tier

It all started one day, when Heroes released a surprise banner. The banner consisted of just a single silhouette outline of a character. It was easy for one to conclude that said surprise hero was none other than Reinhardt.

 

“Really, another fucking Reinhardt?!” I yelled at my phone, despite knowing it couldn’t hear me. “I’ve had enough of this dude!” I hollered, scrolling through my hero list of multiple blue tome Reinhardts and one sword Reinhardt. 

 

I sighed, moving to click on the summon button to use up my free summon, when i noticed something strange. The banner had nothing except the summon button. There was no name, countdown, or appearance rate/details options. It was all blank. 

 

I shrugged, assuming it was just a glitch. When I hit summon and the five orbs appeared, I blinked at my phone in shock and surprise. 

 

All the orbs … were black. Not grey, not even a darker grey, but just pure black. There was no white glow effect at all, just empty black holes. 

 

Out of curiosity, I tried tapping on one of the orbs. Surprisingly, it cut to a summon screens, my dick fell off. 

 

Instead of the usual summoning music, it was just the you riposted in the wrong FEHghbourhood edit playing extremely loudly, so loud I believed it was going to break my phone speakers. 

 

Instead of turning my volume down like a normie, I immediately plugged it into my aux so the whole FEHghbourhood could jam. God damn i love this video.

 

Then, when it became to loud I grabbed my dick to protect it from the sound waves, my ear drums be damned.

 

A white light flashed, and suddenly appearing over my dropped phone, was  _ him _ .

 

Reinhardt...

…

…

…

WITH A GUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

He held the semi-automatic pistol in his hand, and turned off the safety. With his thunderous voice the last thing I heard… “WEAPONRY IS EVERYTHING!”

 

Before i felt the icey cold grip of death, my Odin +10 merge with Wrath 3 took the bullet for me!!!!!!

 

“MY SWORD HAND HUNGERS!!” He took the bullet with 0 damage, thanks to having Blarserpent+ and two stacks of Distant Counter.

 

Reinhardt just chulked. “Good thing I have not one, but two bullets!” 

 

He then shot me dead by aiming past Odin, who didn’t know what a fucking gun was or how it even worked. 

 

As my corpse lay lifelessly on the ground, my phone screen flickered as the Fire Emblem: Heroes app crashed, and deleted itself. 


	5. Does Ephraim eat ass?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [11:54 am] astra: the real question  
> [11:54 am] astra: does epihram eat ass  
> [11:54 am] astra: and whos ass  
> [11:54 am] fucko: and why  
> [11:54 am] astra: i think ephiram eats innes ass  
> [11:54 am] fucko: nyx  
> [11:54 am] fucko: why
> 
> [12:00 pm] fucko: ephraims strategy is to just demolish the enemys defense and its working he just annihilated the tempest trials  
> [12:00 pm] astra: honestly? tbh?  
> [12:01 pm] fucko: theyre intimidated by him bc he eats ass  
> [12:01 pm] kay-o: hhhh  
> [12:01 pm] astra: kdfsjf;lkajsdf;lksjdf;lajsdf  
> [12:01 pm] astra: thats what threaten defense does  
> [12:02 pm] astra: epihram: i eat ass  
> everyone, trembling in fear: what the fuck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dedicated to patsy & blake. <3

Innes stepped into the arena, fully expecting another flawless victory. And then. He saw him. Ephraim came out of the woodwork, and Innes felt his whole body freeze up. Lust overtook his entire being, cock straining against the confines of his pants. 

 

**Arthur flashback sound effect** (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PMrjMdkKbc0)

 

Ephraim was absolutely DEVOURING his ass. Not just part of his ass, not 20%, not 50%, not even 90%. He ate his W H O L E A N U S. down to the colon. His tongue was swirling around every crevice, leaving the Regal Strategician (whatever the fuck that is) clawing at the bedsheets, moaning so loudly the entire castle could hear

 

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU ASSHOLES DOING??” Tana had kicked the fuck door down, seething in rage because she was trying to do lesbian activities with Erikia. She has walked in and saw Ephraim holding Innes ass with a death grip.

 

**Arthur flashback sound effect but its in reverse**

 

Thats the last time they had made sweet love. A whole 12 hours ago. He craved Ephraim's muscular body. His sweet tongue, running along inside of him. 

 

“Hey Innes!!” The Summoner yelled, as they have been for the past 4 minutes. “FUCKING MOVE ALREADY.” He had been standing in a horny daze remembering the passion from 12 hours ago. It felt like eons. His cock once again strained in his pantaloons. Swelling up like a balloon. He was forced to follow orders, and went where he was commanded. And then… Enemy Phase started.

 

“I EAT ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!” Ephraim fucking hollered. For you see, this is how Threaten Defence Works. You yell the most intimidating thing out. Dancer Inigo, who was close to Ephraim, trembled in fear. “Yo what the fuck? The only person who can eat MY ass is Gerome.”

 

“Its okay,” Innes reassured him, “The only ass who is good enough for him is mine.” 

 

“Die.” Inigo said, as he danced away. 

 

And then, just when things couldn’t POSSIBLY get worse, ANOTHER Ephraim came out of the woodwork. However this one was…. Different, 

 

This one was wearing different armour, and on horseback, and looked quite awkward in the armour honestly, it was much too big for his shoulders. Nevertheless, Innes felt another shot of arousal power through him, straight to his straining dick. He wished he could be that horse. 

 

Innes found himself sprinting across the arena. He heard the frantic calls of his team  but he didn’t listen. He threw himself into the arms of the unmounted Ephriam. “EAT MY ASS.” He crooned.

 

The screams from his team changed from pleas for him to return to cheers of encouragement. 

 

“YOU’RE DOING GREAT SWEETIE!!” shouted Leon.

 

“YOU’RE SO FUCKING VALID.” Soren screamed. This was rare, because the only person Soren ever called valid was Ike and maybe Mist. Maybe. On a good day.

 

Horse!Ephraim dismounted, and walked over to Innes and furiously made out with him, with the other one starting to pull his pants down.

 

Other!Ephraim slid his cock out and just fucking shoved it in Innes ass. He forgot to eat it first, because he’s a dirty allogay who doesn’t know proper foreplay. In this essay I will- 

 

Innes moaned into Horse! Ephraim’s watery mouth. He was a fucking freak and liked the pain and pleasure. Stick and stones may break his bones but chains and whips excite him.Also unlubricated sex. Cause I may be bad but I’m perfectly good at it, sex in the air, I don’t care I love the smell of it. 

 

Just when it was about to get MORE freaky, a loud “OH-HO!” was heard, and Hector, wielder of Armads, came bursting out, slicing all three of them in one fell sweep. His daughter, Lilina, a sweet and fragile lesbian, had been witness to the whole ordeal, and Hector would not stand for that. One time Lilina walked in on him kissing Eliwood and he died that day, she could not see this.

 

Not on his watch.

 

Innes, Horse!Ephraim and Other!Ephraim all died that day, within each other’s arms, cocks all out, boners never dead, but their souls were laid to rest upon the eternal, horny, battlefield. 

 

FIN. 

**Author's Note:**

> KSDJF;LAKSJF;SLD DIDE WE CREATE A FIC OBOROUs  
> GEROMES DICK FATED TO BE REBROKEN AGAIN AND AGAIN
> 
> FOR FOREVER
> 
> THE SNAKES MOUTH IS INIGOS ASSHOLE AND THE TAIL IS GEROMES CONSTANTLY REGENERATING DICK


End file.
